Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

Homer no function beer well without.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.